Life is about choices
Choices will come our way every day from the simple to the life changing and complex. The past 18 months for me have been a minefield of actioned choices and at this stage I can’t tell whether they are good or bad, I guess it’s the old time will tell all that will separate the good from the bad. I also contemplated closing this blog as it was attracting negative interpretations and attention from my current employer, yet I have always believed in a concept called free speech.
I never in any blogpost set out to hurt anyone or anything from individuals to companies including myself, yet some readers have other agenda’s going on and will find negatives. I guess it is a fact of life and with any opinion there is always the complete opposite. so just to be ultra-clear: the reflections posted on this blog are purely my own and do not intend to harm anyone intentionally or other, so just consider them the thoughts of an individual thinking out loud.
Going back to the topic of choices, here is a shortlist of just some of the most important ones in my past 18 months:
Leaving my own business that I worked hard to create for 10 years
Leaving a country and city I never thought I would leave
Leaving all the familiar things, like a network of close friends, business networks, ways of working and going about daily life
Leaving the public persona and credibility behind
Entering corporate employment
Starting a life in a city and country where I knew nobody and I didn’t understand it’s culture and they didn’t understand mine
Finding an apartment and friends (neither easy to do in Stockholm, ask any Swedish person)
Doing my best to integrate in business networks and give work a great go
Some of the choices had a good bit of personal reasoning behind it and others I feel were driven by economic necessity or other external factors and often people, some where easy to make others more like nasty ultimatums where one dead end had been reached. In the end of the day the final result of a lot of personal adaptation and change was the same.In some ways I have felt a lot of the choices as failures, because they were going against what I would have loved. Then talking to close friends and family I often received a different perspective from necessity to closing off successfully to only be successful in other ways. I guess in my case I am still working through a lot of the above and in some ways trying to make sense of it all, if there is any sense in it at all.
My recent move to London, which by everyone else’s account was the best thing that could have happened to me, was for me the one that tipped over the balance from coping to total overwhelm. They say (and having worked in change management, I should know) most people only make a few major decisions every year and maybe this was just one adaptation too many for me.
All of a sudden I find myself totally lost, with yet another start over to make and it is the basic things from finding where to go to get a phone connected, who you should speak to about utilities etc., etc. to opening the door when the key decides to jam every single try…as well as the realisation that once again you are like this handicapped person learning to live in a new place, not knowing the culture, the systems, the ways of operating. I have heard it isn’t vastly different from Ireland, and you know something it actually is…purely because it isn’t Ireland because then I would know what to do and who to ask.
People play down the change that comes with moving country and personally for the 2nd time in one year, I don’t find it easy. A year ago whilst I was sad to leave all my friends behind and the place I loved, I also thought I could handle this one and that it couldn’t be so hard especially since I had done it before. Well I have to admit moving as a student is a lot easier than when you are a grown adult. Having a personal network is valuable and it have been friends and family that helped pull me through.
Right now I am still working out some of the basics of living in London and trying to come to terms with the overwhelm of a new place, commuting for a great relationship, starting over with business networks and friends, etc.
My feelings are so mixed and what is highly unusual for me is not knowing what to do next. I feel lost in terms of what I love to do and continue to do and what the next step should be. I guess time will tell. Right now the choice is to take the pressure off and give myself time to adjust, reflect and take time out and then maybe make a new choice, once I have found the energy back to deal with the basics, then choices hopefully become easier too, but for now zero pressure is good and everything causing pressure is out.
In the mean time I hope your choices are happy ones and lead you closer to what it is you truly want.